The Evolutionary Impossibilities of Namekians

Understanding the Dragon Ball series is a task in itself. Every new villain is impossibly more powerful than the last, and it couldn't be easier for a select few characters to accelerate to their level. There are species among species of humanoid characters that are strangely colored, slightly deformed, or otherwise. There are saiyans who are only slightly more realistic than Superman, androids with infinite energy source, and a pink blob of goo that proves to be a universal terrorist. None of this is really put into perspective other than "EXTREMELY POWERFULLLL," but then there are the namekians who are explained, but just not quite enough. If you are going to think about this realistically, namekians don't exist. Oh goodnesss, it's fiction, wah wah wah, someone just made it up, wah wah wah. But to push away the idea of fiction,too many things about namekians are explained in canon, and I am going to tell you why outside of the fiction world, they just can't exist.

To begin, let's take a look at Planet Namek, where the sky is green and the grass is blue. The namekians are nearly the only species on this planet other than plants and some fish. There are trees, grass, flowers and fish. And namekians who just don't really fit into the equation. Maybe insects, too. There are very few foresty areas as most places tend to be open fields with occasional trees and large ponds. The namekian villages tend to be near the big ponds, because that's where they get their food. No, they don't eat fish, they just drink water. They drink fucking water.

Please look at the above picture. The green guy is a namekian, specifically Piccolo if you're seriously reading this and knowing nothing about Dragon Ball. He looks just like a human, except horrible and green. He's got the potential for huge, bulky arms and legs and whatever. He's already got sort of muscly arms, but why? He lives on water alone. Now, according to Toriyama in the Super Exciting Guide, whatever the hell that is, namekians only drink water because their bodies have enzymes that allow them to transform water into nutrients. Basically, that's black magic at work, which I'm going to ignore as black magic since the word "enzymes" was used to sound sciency and that's total bullshit. If humans got hold of a namekian, said namekian would begin to get dissected in all sorts of ways to get that enzyme out of him so WE could live on water. Then global warming is solved because who gives a shit about other animals if we can live on water, right? Well, that's elsewhere.

But since namekians have a legitimate reason *snicker* to be able to live on water alone, why do they look like this?

See the dark, intimidating look in his eyes? Well, that's irrelevant, because this is just piccolo again and he's kind of a hard-ass. But what about the huge canine teeth or the fingernails that sprout like claws? I'm not going to say anything about the super energy powers since way too many people seem to be able to do that anyway, but with that and the ability to bulk up, what's the point? Namekians have no natural predators, and their only prey is fucking water so why did they evolve to look like monsters? Why do they even have teeth at all? The only legitimate reason I could come up with for a species such as this is for mating rituals. Oh, but guess what? Namekians are hermaphrodites. They don't breed with each other, they spit up eggs. Like, out of their mouths. Ugh. So being intimidating is useless. But not all namekians are intimidating!

There are actually different classifications of namekians, and they are defined most specifically when a dragonball mmo was created. There are the warrior clan and the dragon clan, each with different abilities. There is also no racism on Namek, so no one cares very much, probably. The warriors are stronger than the rest and have vast fighting abilities and why do they have fighting abilities when there is nothing they need to fight!? The dragon clan members are the white mages of the namekians and have healing abilities for some reason. Why do they have healing abilities? Who is getting so frequently wounded in this predatorless world that magic healing powers must be practiced!? The dragon clan members are a lot more realistic than the warriors considering the non-violent nature of namekians. And yet there are still so many unanswered questions.

So, why do they have antennae? Well apparently, for absolutely no reason. Maybe just to look more identifiable as not entirely human. Not once, for a single instant, are a namekian's antennae used for anything at all. In fact, piccolo wears a turban more often than not, and it covers his antennae completely. Why, evolution? Why? Namekians speak a language, can see, hear, smell, taste and feel! Why do they need antennae? Also, on a side note, why can namekians get fat?

Look at the beer gut on this magnificent bastard.

The big guy there is Guru. After a horrible wind storm that killed literally the entire species except for him, he gave birth to every single namekian who existed during Dragon Ball Z excluding Kami and Picollo. He dies of old age eventually, being apprently over 500 years old. And before that, he is incredibly huge, and incredibly fat. Just look at him, there's no arguing it. The only thing to justify it is that some namekians seem to get fattish looking in old age, but this is ridiculous. And not all of them do it, because Kami is a typical old man despite being horrible and green. Guru is of the dragon clan, since he created the dragon balls (something else only dragon clan members can do) and so is Kami, since Kami created Earth's dragon balls, so it's not just a clan thing, certainly. So, that raises the question: why are there different body types!? Not only does everyone eat the same thing (fucking water) but if it was a genetic thing, than everyone on Namek should be getting fat with age! Kami isn't the only old skinny namekian around. Most of the old namekians are skinny like Kami. And even moreso, why is Guru so huge? It isn't consistant with the rest of the namekians, as all the other old namekians are short or approximately the same size as the other adult namekians. Guru looks like, if he wasn't so horribly weak, he could accidentally breathe in too hard and cause a minor drought.

I've read somewhere that some fans think that namekians use photosynthesis, and back it up with the fact that they only drink water and they are green and their planet has three suns. I'm going to go ahead and destroy that argument with scientific proof. Firstly, namekians are not plants, and only plants can use photosynthesis. Forget that they are aliens, because we have billions of different species that are completely different from each other and Namek is extremely similar to Earth. It even has similar gravity. There is one known species on Earth that has both animal and plant cells, and it's some sort of green sea slug. Hey, namekians are sort of slugs, right? Well, no, not at all. Besides, the slug that has both of these cells still looks like a fucking leaf. Namekians don't look like fucking leaves.

Hey there Picco- oh, sorry, I got the wrong guy.

Just as well, plants don't bleed, and plants don't have enzymes to change water into nutrients to create fucking teeth and claws and muscle tissue and they certainly can't do this:

The word you are looking for is AAUUGGHH!

That's instant regeneration, more black magic at work. That's sort of like how some lizards grow back their tail, right? Except faster? Maybe they're green less because they're like plants, and more because they're like lizards? I would like to apologize for the fans to all green lizards and amphibians who have been inadvertently compared to plants. But anyway, back to the regeneration thing. Why can namekians do that!? This is another example of super powers that just aren't necessary in a world without predators.

I think that about covers it. Namekians just don't make any sense. Please note that I left out a lot of super powers on purpose because Dragon Ball is fucking ridiculous. In closing, I think that namekians as a species, despite having no reason to toughen up, no reason to be intelligent at all, being able to live out in the open right next to water, the only thing they need to live, completely carefree, they made out pretty fucking fantastic.

KingRanter