Late Night of Loneliness

Hey guys, glad you could take a few minutes to read this. This has never actually affected anyone else, my loneliness has been hurling me through torrents of sleepless nights and tornadoes of misunderstanding. At the same time, I have also learned of the hypocrisy of the people all around me. I'm gonna start by saying that I know my personality flaws. I know what kinds of things make me the bad person that I am, but I have no reason to believe otherwise. The only people I know really believe in me are my parents, and just because I've been getting good marks in school. And Spencer. The rest either don't care or don't really know what to believe in.

In February, I broke up with my girlfriend, Natasha, because I felt distant from her. This was not a mistake, however I wish I didn't feel the way I did. Now, I feel distant from everyone. I'm having a difficult time holding on to some of my friends while they seem to be blowing the way in the winds of change, and I'm sitting here like a stone, unable to do anything with my life, because I'm afraid I'll get thrown out of the next pond I skip across, despite such a pond not truly existing.

I'm not going to lie, I started looking for a new girlfriend immediately after I broke up with Natasha, because I'm always happier when I have a girlfriend than when I'm single. Srs bsns, I can't think of any way I could prove myself wrong, I've tried. When I have a girlfriend, I'm more social, I go out more, I hang out with my friends more when I have a girlfriend. Yeah, it doesn't make that much sense, but it's just because I'm happy that it happens to be that way. None of my friends could never be successful in making me happy enough to enter that state without a girlfriend. No friend, except for the potential of my very best friend Colin who died last April, may he rest in peace.

As I was saying, I started looking for a new girlfriend rather quickly. My main reason for this, besides just being happy when I have a girlfriend, is the fact that I have really mother Fucking bad luck when it comes to girls, so getting an early start would be vital. However, it didn't make a fucking difference because I've been single ever since. I haven't genuinely liked anyone since Natasha either, so there's nothing pulling me towards any one person in particular, and all other attempts at any other girl has failed in several categories, ending in different states such as depression, rage, apathy, etc. I'm leaning towards apathy nowadays because I rarely expect any attempts to work and I've lost any hope in myself, and most will for self release, with or without motivation.

I'm going under, and I need something more than a friend or two. In fact, I would trade in a few friends right now for one night with one of the girls I've tried for over the past while. And I don't mean a friendly night of gaming, obviously. I'm just losing it, I barely know what I would need a relationship for anymore, but if I keep going like this, my future is going to mean nothing because I won't have anyone to share it with.

For most of you reading this, I appreciate any potential concern, but don't bother expressing it, because I won't believe you. Besides a choice few that I might point this post out to, or one or two that I can guarantee will read this, I don't expect anyone to care enough to help, or at least even try to cheer me up, as feeble attempts they may be otherwise.

KingRanter